Monday, May 09, 2005

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

Well, bobcats and bears at least.

Yes, it has been confirmed. We do actually have wild animals at Adzentoivich Woods. Now, of course I knew there were deer and fluffy little bunnies, cute little raccoons, apossums and loasd of frogs and duckies, but large black CATS!?!? Ferocious BEARS!? Hell No!

I mean, yes, I wanted a country house. And yes, I wanted it to be in the real country, not some suburbanized "country". But did I really think there would be life-threatening animals on my property? Nope. I am a city girl! If a bear came up to me while I was in the midst of sipping a margharita and swinging on my garden swing in my J.Crew floral halter dress and straw brimmed hat would I know what to say? I would not. Would I know what to do in order to keep form being eaten alive? Na-ah. What would I do exactly? I have no idea.

Big Cats
We spotted the Bobcat when we drove up the driveway Saturday afternoon. He was crouching in the tall grass like a lion in the Serengheti. He looked our Hyundia square in the grill and then sprung form the grass into the woods. We didn't see him again all weekend, but we did see a birds-worth of feathers in the orchard. No bird, just feathers. And I am talking big feathers, like from an Owl or a Teradactyl.

Bears
On the way out of town we stopped at our neighbor's, Frank and Rose Savitsky. They are part of the family that owned our property for the past 100 years. They told us all about the bears. What they said exactly was "Well, they only come around late at night or early in the morning, or sometimes in the middle of the afternoon. Like the time Frank was out in the yard and a bear walked right across the field to sit on our picnic table. Man, was he brazen. We called Robbie to come up with the truck. He drove right up the lawn in the truck and the bear didn't even budge. Then there was the time a 400 or 500 pounder came right up to the picture window. Oh yeah, you'll see bears. Don't leave food out." Lovely. How quickly can I get out of here? I just don't think I am cut out for this level of wilderness.

How am I suppsed to host lovely outdoor barbecues that carry on into the evening? I will spend my entire time scanning the parameters of the property so that I can spot any rustle at the edge of the woods that could possibly be a bear or some other flesh-eater that could somehow damage my guests.

I think I need to do some reading up on the subject before next weekend. How to escape a bear attack. And how to out run a bobcat.

You can rest assured that Ernie and I will not be doing midnight walks up the driveway any longer.

2 comments:

anne said...

Some quick tips for living in the wilderness...
1. Opossum. Or just Possum is acceptable. Or as marc says, "Possum, possum, O possum."

2. You will not outrun a bear or a bobcat. You will merely become prey. You can try keeping a little can of mace on your person. Or a large shotgun.

3. According to this article (http://www.arcticwebsite.com/BearSurvival.html) a bear will attack if it is surprised or feels danger to itself or cubs. So maybe you can wear something with a lot of bells - like maybe a jester suit - so you won't surprise it or look especially dangerous. Unless, of course, it is a bear that has clown issues.

There you go. Always glad to be of service.

the poster known as tony c said...

Black bears don't eat people. They're really like gigantic skunks.

In other words, don't leave your jar of macadamia nuts* out after evening martinis. (Gin martinis. Even if you're in the hinterlands, you have to be civilized.)

*also know regionally as marc-n-damien nuts .